Harder Than Expected: Balancing expectations with limitations
Since my initial blog post, my intention was to write once a month, at the very least. However, it seems that working for yourself as an artist is a full-time hustle and I have not worked this hard since I was fired from my corporate job ten years ago due to my acquired disabilities making it impossible for me to work in an office environment.
Don’t get me wrong, with that job I was working 8am - 6pm, then immediately working on the charity I was running until midnight most days. This new form of working is not as intense, nor do I hate the work that I am doing. Art is a salvation in my life, and I am blessed to be practising it and that my disabilities do not limit my ambition.
However, whoever came up with the concept that all artists do all day is sit in cafes and people watch/dream, was a right naff tool. That idea couldn’t be further from the truth. I nap less now than I would like; napping being an important part of my weekly well-being routine.
So what have I been doing with my time if not napping, blogging, or sitting around in cafe’s? Since 7th June, I have: attended workshops for artists, run by the Merri-bek council; met Caity Lotz at Oz Comic-Con (ok, so I can’t be working all the time!); entered photography awards; applied for gallery space for my January exhibition; been interviewed for another photographers trans photography project; sat with a CBD treatment specialist and subsequently started a trial for pain management; attended art galleries; continued with fortnightly photography adventures with my support worker; edited those images; fought with my laptop/whispered sweet nothings to her to coax her to work whilst she constantly and consistently crashes; worked for The Emerging Writer’s Festival, photographing their closing night event, celebrating 20 years; fighting with the landlord over the condition of the apartment building (she owns the whole thing) and a water bill three times higher than normal that we were sure was due to a building leak she refused to attend to; locked in a gallery space for January; attended an ecological-meets-science-meets-art panel discussion featuring Yin Paradies and Ecological Gyre Theory organised by Green Bee; wrote a couple of grant applications; had my second essay in Archer published online; submitted my application for a Midsumma 2024 event; applied to a couple of group exhibitions; exhibited a piece from my current series at a group show; hopped back onto instagram for the first time in two years to promote my passions; submitted documents to Sol Gallery for the upcoming September exhibition; watched Electric Fields soar alongside the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra at Hamer Hall; watched Midsumma Pathways alumni, most of whom were my 2022-23 cohort, smash it out of the park at Midsummica - so talented!; write the audio descriptions for all my artwork because accessibility is key; and finally, I completed my series: The Reclamation of Terra! Phew!
Six weeks with nary a nap in sight. I’m wondering how sustainable this level of work is for me now. With my cognitive disability it takes me thrice as long to read and comprehend anything, which means responding to emails, reading/writing grants, and researching tech-speak to try and fix my failing laptop is an onerous chore that eats into my creativity time. Not to mention my poor sleep has eroded even more with the everything of logistics swirling about my head ‘til the wee hours of the morning.
So no, my blogging may not, going forward, be consistent, but I can assure you, it will be quality. My expectations of what I can achieve have been tempered by what my ability can allow. After a lifetime of being gas-lit, of having everyone’s expectations dictating to me what I should and shouldn’t be doing with my time, I am still negotiating with myself what exactly my limitations are. I am still coming to terms with loving this refurbished version of myself. I am having to stop and look at the above list and say, “Well done Teague, you accomplished so much!” Because my expectations had been a massive pile-on that in the end wasn’t feasible, but what was accomplished was a heroic effort.
Is this sustainable? I’m still unsure. I have always had a strong work ethic and a blinkered focus. To not give 110% every day is exasperating. However, I will keep working with my counsellor and the rest of my support team, family, and friends. I will continue to live unmasked and ask myself whether the hurdle in front of me is manageable today, or can it be postponed for a week or two?
I have deadlines now, many deadlines, my health is regretfully failing as I draw nearer to my 50’s, these two things are not necessarily harmonious, but I am determined to find cohesion and balance and consciously live with joy each and every day. I have limited social media to an hour per day, my phone blocks it after that, so that is one less stress to worry about. I am asking more of the people around me, letting them know that I cannot actually do it all myself. I am saying “no” and loving myself for that. When you have acquired invisible disabilities, it is often difficult to see yourself through a lens not of societies creation. People will often look at me when I tell them I am disabled and you can see their brains ticking away, trying to trace your disability, seeing whether they approve of its origin or not. I initially struggled to not judge myself the same way. Now, however, I can say I am strong, I can say I am an amazing human. I can give myself the lenience and the love required to live my life on my terms.
Is this period of frenzied work sustainable? Follow my blog to find out.
T.Leigh
Official flyer to Teague Leigh’s debut solo exhibition “The Reclamation of Terra”, proudly supported by Pride Foundation Australia, at Sol Gallery, Thursday 7th September @ 6pm. On the left is a canvas painted in hues of textured acrylic paint. In the middle is a landscape photograph of a yellow sand dune with one lonely tree to the left side and deep blue sky above. This central image is repeated in collage underneath in three chopped up lines. Above the central image are the colours of the progressive pride flag in wavy lines leading to the top left corner. On the right of the flyer it is black with the details of the exhibition.
